omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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