Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
