The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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