Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
