Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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