I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
