There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
