just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
