I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
