i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
it's like iHOP with fire
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
