I'm lost and stupid without you.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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