I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
