Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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