I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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