i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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