One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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