hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
