Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
