If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
