You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
