It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
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she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
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Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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