Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
