I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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