Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
