i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
