An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
