Will you blow on my dice?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
