You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
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Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i think i just lost a toe
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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