Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
