cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
