It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
