im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
