this boner is exhausting
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
