i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
