Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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