My hand turned me down
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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