I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
