Got a toothbrush?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
