If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
