Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
