I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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