I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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