if you like me you must not know who I am
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
