He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
