I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
