I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
