A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
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I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
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The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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