I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
