I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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