dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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