don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
