Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?