First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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