11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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