im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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