You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
