I'm so fucking centered right now
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
