Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
