Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
